The Things That Have Happened, The Things That Occur

There’s a certain phenomenon that pretty much anyone who wants to do something experiences. What’ll happen is you’ll be experiencing something that you connect with. An artist will be at an art gallery, an athlete will be at a sports game, an actor will be watching a play. It’ll be the best of it’s kind, something top notch and undeniably appreciable. But you can’t stand it. But not because the product is bad, but because you understand it. It vibrates with you on a wavelength so perfectly in tune with your life goals and desires. You understand the content, and you understand the creator–and you realize that that person needs to be you. Your heart aches for greatness, to express your thoughts and to show people just what you’re capable of doing. But for whatever reason, you can’t. Maybe it’s needing to complete school, or waiting to make the team, or trying to score some more auditions or something. But something’s holding you back. You’re stuck there; you can’t move. And you resign yourself to persisting to try to progress while you watch someone else do whatever it is you love on a level you can only hope for.

I’ve been stuck in that zone for a while, a long while, and now I’m finally breaking through.

The past several weeks have been eventful for me, and insightful. Both in the way things have played out and the actual things that have happened. I’ve been tried and tested and had several firsts and learning experiences. And I’ve wanted nothing more than to divulge it all on here, to freely express my thoughts on one of the best platforms on the internet for doing so. But, running a website like this, you sort of become a curator at the same time. Your site is a museum and you decide the pieces, the exhibits and everything. You work so hard on it and you try so hard to please; you don’t want to muck it up. So you filter out a lot of the stuff that you wish so sincerely that you could show, because you think it’ll make it better for everyone. For me, it’s taken the form of filtering out a lot of the personal stuff I wish I could post, for the sake of quality control here on this blog, and the desire for it to be about more than myself. But I feel now that that makes the whole thing feel a bit too impersonal, and while I will maintain this quality control, I’ll keep you more informed about my life in the future. For now, here’s a quick rundown.

I’ve been super busy with life recently, focusing a lot on myself. Financial problems due to my parents’ divorce has caused a lot of personal changes that have had varying amounts of ramifications throughout my life. Especially starting late last summer, money for me has been tight, and I’ve had to save and improvise in areas that I haven’t before. Financial freedom is something that has been different for me. Without going into too much detail, a several different factors have caused these difficulties, and although I’m working hard to fix them, they’ve taken their toll.

The first eventful thing that happened was that I got a job at Target. It was okay, besides my shitty ableist coworkers. I got fired a few weeks afterwards, but it was deeply unjust, so I decided to sue the company. That’ll be a whole other post on it’s own, though; you can rest assured that the issue will get it’s own post once the issue is settled. I also rekindled relationships with several friends. I’ve started talking with those that I used to talk to a lot, those that I never thought I’d talk to, and those I never thought I’d talk to again. Both friends and enemies alike, old issues were brought up and settled. Some of these issues will be brought up again in the future, too.

This has also marked a huge era of progress and recovery for me. Record lows in depression, loneliness, and other things that I’d been known to suffer from. But one of the biggest things in my life these past few weeks has been my plans for this website. I plan to turn this into something much bigger and better than what I ever thought it could be. You’ll know exactly what I mean very soon in the future, but I’ve been investing large amounts of my time into it. I have to, in order to fulfill that burning desire mentioned at the beginning of this article. Ideas, thoughts, and all my hopes in life will all come together in one project–although calling it a “project” seems like an understatement.

Lastly, my birthday is happening on Monday. I will turn 20 years old. One thing I’m prone to is trying to scramble to do 1,000 things to prepare, because I feel like I have to commemorate the event. No longer a teenager, I feel like it’s especially important to do that now. What I want to do is this thing, a practice wherein you write a letter to yourself in the future, so your future self can read it and see how much you’ve changed. I want to do some form of that, but for varying lengths of time. Like one for 1 year from now, one for 5 years, and so on. I want to also start some sort of birthday tradition, too. As you can see, memories are one of my best friends.

More content and important information should be coming up soon, so watch out for that. And to clarify; I feel fine and all, I just definitely have to get some things in order. I’m sure you all have been itching to see more, and of course, I will deliver. Hang tight and stay sane, and just to let you know, your thoughts are real.

My First 2 Weeks Of Being An Adult

Adult (v.): To act in a manner common to or expected of an adult, especially if out of obligation or due to transitioning into adulthood.

Adulting. It’s not only a skill, it’s an art. An art that requires an unmatched level of work and dedication. Adulting skills are necessary to have in today’s society, but yet it’s something we all struggle with. Bills, education, sustainable income–nobody wants to do all these things, but alas, our world would not function right if we didn’t do things just because we don’t like doing them. 

As some of you may know, my 18th birthday was just about 2 weeks ago; Saturday, December the 10th. Of course, it’s not like on your 18th birthday the gods come down and bestow upon you the power of adulthood. But in the eyes of the law, I’m as much of an adult as they can come. This, by far, was the most important birthday of my entire life thus far. There was so much riding on it, and I’d been anticipating it anxiously for at least the last 2 years. I was literally counting down the days until the 10th; since the year and a half point, I wouldn’t say “I turn 18 in December next year”, I would say “I turn 18 in 1 year, 6 months, 1 week, 8 hours and 3 minutes”. I was ready to go. In fact, I think I’ll make a separate post about the wait and what it meant to me; if so, I’ll link to it right here.

Adulthood has treated me pretty well so far, thankfully. It wasn’t a big monumentous blowout like I thought it would be, but still, it feels pretty good. I’m just beginning to flex all of my adult muscles and break into my adulting shoes, and since it’s gone so well, I thought I’d share with you guys what’s happened so far.

Let’s see. I was lucky enough for my birthday to land on a Saturday this year, so that’s when my party was. It was just at a Dave & Buster’s, nothing special. It was technically too early to do any official adult stuff, though; when my older brother turned 18, he tried to buy a lottery ticket and they told him he had to be a year and a day, just to make sure. So I mostly waited until Monday, to be safe.

Since then, though, I’ve actually done a lot of adult-ish things. I’ve been able to browse the Internet freely without the need to avoid certain not-safe-for-work content. I also filled out my medical information and gave my consent to be at the student wellness center at my school, something that my mom revoked my access to. Then I also realized that this would really expand my job search, and would make the process a lot easier. Mostly I’ve had a really good time being able to tell people that I’m 18, looking back to my earliest memories and seeing how far I’ve come. Just yesterday (the 23rd), I was able to do my Christmas shopping without having to worry about my local mall’s ‘parental guidance after 5 o’clock’ rule. I purchased my own vape pen, just to see the process, and the guy at the kiosk was super nice about it. And then, last but most importantly, I went to Brookstone and tested out one of their super cool fancy massage chairs. Seriously though, I did do all of these things, and oddly enough, they ID’ed me for the massage chair, but not for the vape.

So yeah, it looks like adulthood is going pretty well, knock on wood. I’ve barely scratched the surface, though, and I’m very curious as to what it has in store for me. I have a lot to learn, really. And although adulthood is a necessary evil, I’ll absolutely do everything in my power to keep my childlike spirit and creativity.

A Sonnet About Heartbreak

Hello, my dear readers. I think it’s about time I introduce you to some of my actual literature and creative work. This is a sonnet that I wrote last Friday (Dec. 9, 2016) due to a sudden burst of inspiration. Two weeks ago, I realized that I had been focusing a lot on my long-term writing projects, and hadn’t taken much time, if any, to flex my creative muscles via poems and artwork and such. So I asked a friend of mine what I should write a poem about, and she said “heartbreak”. So I put that in my mental queue of things that I needed to write. I only started writing it on Friday, because that was the day before my 18th birthday, and I wanted to do something memorable to commemorate those last moments. I was thinking hard about what I would do, and then it came to me that it’d be the perfect time to implement the idea. It was originally gonna be a set of 3 poems, but that fell through, since I started writing too late. Anyways, here it is; I really put a lot of thought and meaning into it, so I hope you guys like it.

 


 

That what I thought we had leaves me remiss

And my heart cleft into these jagged halves

Still left, right where it’s situated at.

A beautiful thing that we had, a tryst

That let us feel like troubles don’t exist;

I wish you’d granted me a caveat

But you had not the wherewithal for that.

You stole away as if we’d never kissed.

Perhaps you never thought it was real

Or that secrecy made it something bad

But I’d like to know if the love was true.

Yet many things I’d still rather feel

Than to bring upon you anything sad

For deep in me, there is still love for you.